cmjsexydude

Spirit Warriors: The Informers

2005-01-08T05:40:52Z

Its just common knowledge without wrong there could not be right. But what lies between the two? Perhaps an alliance of a EVEN GREATER PURPOSE....? ANSWERS or Messages..

Deep in the woods, suffocating on the words of evil, escaping in the fog of "no reason". A coward lays stuck, he doesnt want to see anything, because he really hates the pain from "cause". Alone now, not even the devil wants to be his friend...
in Swamps he roams, searching for what was taken. Sadly he never knew how he "got it" in the first place. Starting over depressed his drive, and the will to live flickered on and off. Hope seems to do just that...a little taste, but not enough for a bite. "They" Always want you to earn it! Ready, "They" ask? The coward must draw the line...when does the suffering stop? You carry your corps to the only stream that is vital, and washed the mud off of you, and rejuvanate yourself.

Who Are "They"?
The ones that send what you need. "They" return what is yours. And cherish you every step of the way.

Tales From The Forest: Misery Loves Company

2005-01-08T05:14:20Z

Stepping into the forest you risk it all to go "nowhere", while throwing stones at nothing. Misery laughs at you, because it knows your ashamed of who you have become. You tread on your path, blaming anything that gets in your way. Getting caught in the entangled in the webs of judgement, you try to analyze the spider's patterns, but fail to recognize your own. For you have been going in circle all along. You bite your lip, and pray to anyone who will listen to your sorrow.

And thats where you find the devil himself..."The Nowhere Man". He cant be seen, because he always leaves you doubt. He lures you in with the melody of his flute, like a harpy that sends its sailers to their sudden death. Tempting you aimlessly, so you are confused, but he knows exactly where your going! He smiles sincerely, under his sinister eyes, and tells you "this is what you are missing". For he minipulates you into believing that he carries the tools necessary for your survival. A clever beast, he pickpockets your heart, and takes everything of value. And last waits for the ultimate "prize", for you to do something wrong...and thats his source of power!
He uses his power for his own fulfillment,by using it against you in the form of rejection.
When you have let him reach this point, all hell breaks lose in a single drop of emotion, to fast to realize the truth, and to slow to stop the pain. He smiles like nothing has happened, and you realize there is a problem, and try to cover up the pain with a smile in return. He doesnt give you time to think...oh no no no, "Follow Your Heart He Says...Trust It...". You take the advice, and search for the happiness in your heart, and only find his environment of repeating pain that he has corrupted into your system. Reaching a conclusion that your heart is much to fragile to give to anyone, so you close off, afraid of what you have found to be you.

If we ever get married: My Confessions To You My Dearest

2005-01-07T04:40:39Z

Dear Mr. Responsive Responsible Reliable Reasonable Righteous Vibrant Expressive Hopeful Polite Active Caring Understanding Loving Affectionate Truthful Witty Humerous Generous Strong Affirmative Capable Guiding Over-Achieving Goal Oriented Boasting Validating Possessive Protective Secretly Jealous Sensative PASSIONATE Loyal Dedicated Blissful Curious Testing Provoking Sexual Beast Studly Sexy Considerate HONEST Innocently Irratating Reassuring CONFIDENT TRUSTING GENIUS Brillant Confusing Talkative Attentive Opptimistic Determined AMBITIOUS Entertaining INCREDIBLE Dorky Farter INSPIRING KNOWS HE's SEXY BUT REMAINS MODEST BEST Romantic Sensual CuddleBug INTELLIGENT MORE PATIENT THEN HE REALIZES Self Sacraficing Indulgent PERSISTENT CONSISTENT REPETITIVE BEAUTIFUL Faithful Embracing MOST GENUINE CUTE ADORABLE Explorative Correcting ADVENTUROUS UNPREDICTABLE IMPULSIVE SPONTANEOUS HOT Tolerant (MORE CLEVER THEN I REALIZE IM SURE) Percise HAPPY PROUD CARING helpful calm explosive suffering imperfectly perfect SMART vivid profoundly found Irristable CHARMING FLIRTIOUS OVERCOMING FUTURE ORIENTED SELFLESS CRAZY Wanting Needing Restless Lonely Nosey Secure Secretly Insecure Respectful Courteous Harmless Possible Potiently Deserving Law Biding Children Loving Listening Learning PuppyLOVER Goofy SILLY Grandma's Boy Family MAN SPIRITUAL NICE KIND COOKER BOYCRAZY Ethical Time Consuming Intimate Weird Worthy Peaceful Foolish Brave Independent Admiring Dreamer Warm Babygrumbles puppywhines SHARING OPEN WILLING GIVING Imaginative Tender SUPPORTIVE AIMFUL Feeling Thinking READING REALATIVE People LOVER STINKY Sweaty Smooth Clean Gorgeous PLAYFUL RELAXING CONTENT MINE MINE MINE Challenging MORE WONDERFUL THEN HE REALIZES, Articulative Courageous Laughs At His Own Jokes Lazy Idealistic Fair Valgiant Warrior Sympathetic Youthful Heroic Savoring Growing Egotisical Humble Perceptive Deciding IN CHARGE Arrogant, but Keeps it to himself Thoughtful GAINING MOMENT LIVING IMPRESSIONABLE SOOTHING BULGING lol Friendly LEADER natural REALIST WISE Dumb Grounded Practical Fatefollowing Extremist PuzzleSolving SolutionFinder ProblemPicker Picky High Maintainence EasyLoving Lucky Dancing Queen STRAIGHTSTUD BUTCHMAN Mocking LovePunching BELLYWORRIED BFWORRIED BoneThrobbing AssLicking lol (i had too for some sick reason) PERVERT Dictionary Reading, BF TEASING Creative Sancutary Making Comfortable Down to Earth Alien booze&drug hating Friend Amusing Friend Desiring ConservativeDressing BoringShowsLoving BFPLEASING SNUGGLY BRIGHT I WANT YOU FOREVER NO DENYING THAT FUTURESPEAKINGPROHET DoubtHaterConfidantMaker Always Getting Better PushyPusher FemaleAttractionWerdio FamilyFIXER Student of the Month Employee of the Month CLEANERofMyROOM BFWorshipper PHONECALLOBSESSOR toungepanting empathetic enlightening ALL AROUND GREAT Amazing StoryTeller MUSE COnversationalist Web Maker Experienced FantansyExplorer PoetryMaker DayGiver Handyman Candyman SWEET BABY MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE Nonsense exuberant extravagantFEAster PoliticPlayer BarHopper SHowerPartner MovieCOmpanion WarmBlanketBuddy DemanderofRight ProtectorOfGood Bedazzler Irrational Rational OilSEDUCER COMPLIMENTEATER INSULTFORGETTER ALWAYS THERE IN A HEART BEAT PROMISER PACKMAKING LOVINGQUESTIONFRIEND Place holder FORGIVING FORGIVING I LOVE HIM MY ANGEL MY FATHERS PAL MY MOTHERS JEWEL MY SISTER CONFIDANT MY GRANDMA'S NEMINIS MY GODSSENT MY DESTINY my appartment buying furniture loving house working boyfriend PLAYFULALLEYChris's.....MIKE

LISTEN UP:

Faith, The Journey Continues! Are We There Yet?

2005-01-07T03:23:46Z

She whisper to you, with a single word...its too bright to hear, but you still know its there. And inside your soul you climb, clinging onto the sound as if it holds the truth to your very existance. Remarkable, your not only standing on your feet again, but your on your very tippy toes looking down at the defeated. You realize this isnt going to be the last time you slip, and you only hope she has enough mercy for you to get to the top.
Curious you wonder...do i really need to climb to the top, maybe i could just go around? You take an unexpected turn. This time your in charge, you get to decide where you want to go. Of course, you prey on harmony, who doesnt...for you believe there is peace to find there. You smile at the beauty of the sun, and embark your way to a valley as far as the eye can see. The meadow crys your name, and you lay in its rich grass. You indulge, and time slips away like the falling of the leaves. Wasting away into bliss you dont question it because you have nothing to work for. The satisfying finally becomes the unsatisfying, and you are confused to where you went wrong. It was all going great, so pure, so innocent...what happened. Pondering for days and night, no solution florished in the lonely valley. Stuck in the repetition of the days, feasting on the curiousity of what might have been, you are left with nothing.
Interested you stay one last day in "paradise" to see if it will ever ripen again. Your doubts are reassured and the once green field is finally covered with frost. Cold and alone, you want to turn back to the familiar, at least you would no what to expect!
Torn between crossroads, bittersweet as it seems...can you really go back after what you know to be true?
Winter grows as any other being, and springs change to what use to be.

Still not confinced, you stubbornly deny climbing, you spent to long in comfort. You rebel into a forest, not because you want to, but because at least this way you can still have control.

Define Me? Define Me! Define Me.....Lost & Found

2005-01-06T03:56:10Z

People: There are those who show you the ropes, those who throw you the ropes, and those who let you climb on your own. Who do you respect more?

The ones who show you the ropes are the ones who "see" it, and they of course believe that they have found the way. They take great pride to inform you of their amazing finding...denying the fact that it was someone elses rope in the first place, thats just not important to them. What is important is the fact that they need you to support their concept...their delusion which is that they are on the right track, because heaven forbid if nobody believed in it, neither could they. As the rope lays there on display, our decieving friend persists you to climb it. You dont even know where it leads, and sooner or later you realize they dont either.

You stop believing in the "show-case", and find comfort in the direction of "the man who is already on top". For he is the living proof of success, and he carries the promise of knowing "how" to reach it.
The only problem with him is when you climb his rope it no longer becomes your victory, but it becomes his accomplishment. Fortunately, the glory of his rope pushes you on your own way, until you find no rope at all. Your agstonished at the expectations of yourself, no wonder why you were afraid to go your own way in the beginning, because the path you set for yourself is by far the most challenging. No ropes to climb, only your bare hands vulerable to the surface. Making rapid mistakes as you reclaim yourself on each step of the way. Blood and sweat trai behind you like a shadow, leaving the mark of your past, and the pain pushing you towards the future.
Your fuel no longer becomes sleep or food, but determination and faith.
Determination resounds in your head like a heartbeat, its no longer saying "you can" its evolved into survival mode, demanding "you must", it forces you along your path, in a manner of courtesy on the surface, but inside it rages and screams to you as if your very soul depends on it. It persists, until it burns its flame out.
Bruised on your journey, you quiver under the flesh and smile to the outsiders. Dragging yourself along your way, you no longer allow yourself to rest, you turn to the next trustee in line...Faith.

Her beauty is speachless, but she has more to offer then appearance. She holds your hands through the darkest hours

Tell me who admires and loves you, And I will tell you who you are....My Stinky

2005-01-02T21:17:55Z

"A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experieces himself, his thougths and feelings as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few people nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our cirlce of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of natrue in its beauty."
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."

-ALBERT EINSTEIN-

He came into my life as a fact of recovery. He was the only light in the room that i could trust, because he was the only one willing to show the example of recovery. He was special from the beginning...
A man of respect and responsiblity in eyes of the world. A man of who also lives in the world, with the interpretation of his heart, and the pure genius of his mind. Spontanious in nature was the thrill of getting to know him. Hard to follow, but to attractive not too, he was a journey in itself. For when he gave you a piece of himself he gave you everything he could, to show you how much you could be capable of.
A high achiever with a high tolerance for others...makes you wonder how your ever going to get through to him. For someone who is so independent, so together....how can you slide between the cracks of his walls, when he could be more successful without you.
The man has made the choice to keep me, inspite of that.

"The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt".

-ROLLO MAY-

Wonderful, and horrible to his word...promises never seemed so great. Scared of the rush, he knocks on the doors of my walls and charms his way in. I had to get new locks....but the bastard is damn good...he has ways of getting into the windows as well. It seemed to be breaking me down inside by knowing how much i had to achieve to keep him...but fate also has her ways of getting what she wants.

"If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth."

-MITSUGI SAOTOME-

Lounging in the bedroom with no distractions but the embrace of each other...no subsitute in the the world could match the touch of his. Call it what you want, but the words from your very lips couldnt seal the flavor of our bodies carress. TV was just an enabler to hold each other.

"Love cures people--both the ones who give it and the ones who recieve it"
-Karl Menninger-

Irritating, the man is always right, and when he isnt its just flat out adroable....You never know if you want to push his buttons or snuggle with him...but whatever the choice it always turns out right.

"Althought eh act of nurturing another's spiritual growth has the effect of nurturing one's own, a major characteristic of genuine love is that the disinction between oneself and the other is always maintained and preserved."

-M. SCOTT PECK-

Worried that someone who might strike his temptation may come along...because the man has a lot to offer, you hold your breath and take his word, ashamed that you doubt his dedication...you just cant help to think that he deseveres someone better...shit fucking destroyed your walls....now your left with the vulnerablity of your insecurities. Of course he sweeps them away, and cleans your house for you, but stubborn as you are, you pick up the polisher and romove your complaints before you scare him away. How does one get pass the shit without getting pass the shit?

"After all these years, i see that i was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is beter to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her."

-Mark Twain-

When my darkest hours took hold, he became the hero of my choatic world, the only one who seemed to know the direction of getting me out. I only hope that i could return the favor...How can you give a man something that he doesnt already have. To trust a man in your weakest hour is to create a silent safety between you.

'We all need friends with whom we can speak of our deepest concerns, and who do not fear to speak the truth in love to us"

-Margaret Guenther-

Being with him and being myself is a prize that comes with time. As our love passes through the complications of existence, the puzzle developes into a picture of what we first sought after. Only this time its concrete...and the colors more vivid then time.

"Love is the only bow in life's dark cloud.
It is the Morning and the Evening Star.
It shines upon the cradle of the babe,
and sheds its radiance upon the quiet tomb.
It is the mother of Art,
inspirer of the poet, patriot, and philosopher.
It is the air and light of every heart, builder of every home,
Kindler of every fire on every hearth.
It was the first to dream of immortality.
It fills the world with medlody,
for Music is the voice of Love
Love is the magician, the enchanter
that changes worthless things to joy
and makes right royal kings and queens of common clay.
It is the perfume of the wondrous flower--the heart
and without that sacred passion, that divine swoon,
we are less than beasts;
but with it earth is heaven
and we are gods.

The tide of our relationship shifts...and the strange fog that seems to rule my thoughts prevails...my light tower is in the distance...sending me a sign to come home...but yet i go out to sea to find the answer to why the separation, even when we are together...FUCKING CO-DEPENDANCY...i blame you....but yet i seek to be closer to his heart...to understand the perfect way to dealing with him in love...so i may never injure his light. What i find out in sea is loneliness and i use my faith to make it back home.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

-RUMI-

When Your Kingdom Crumbles: I Slept With My Drug Dealer

2004-10-02T07:18:07Z

Whats wrong with us? Living day to day, dealing with problems on a regular basis. Presenting ourselves to the world as if we dont have any problems. Instead of reaching out, taking sound advice, or suggestions we try to figure out different ways to get to the solution on our own. Finally we reach a point of realization, and then do something completely different then what we have chosen as right.
Maintenace....how do we do it? When we seem to be trapped in a repetitive cycle of delusions. Just trying to live each day as it comes, trying not to notice the slight burden in our lives.
Its funny, Forgetting seems to be our biggest solvent and our biggest error.
"No Body Is Perfect", I wonder why....

Drugs....I was reborn the first time i drank, the first time i took my first e-bomb, the first time i took a line, and even the first time i fed myself the date rape drug. Just escaping from the life i knew to a life i didnt made me feel so much more complete on this planet. I had no idea the costs i would pay for these drug episodes, back then i was invincible. I feared Aids, but used unprotected sex, I wanted love, but slept with strangers, and i preached about the wrongs of driving drunk, but never applied it to myself. The point is I dreamed of better, but i lived in worse. Who the hell was i? For that point, where the hell was i?

I remember after my official break up with Mark, i went out on frequent random drug binges. It was called "FUN"....so lets see here, my ideals of fun was escaping the tortures of reality into a whole new plain of existence which massacred me to a point where i didnt care what happened to my well-being. Interesting....

There was a place, in the U-District. A gloomy broken down house, the type of house that you stare at and wonder what kind of person could possibly tolerate it.It had moldy walls, shut blinds, even blankets covering the windows. The grass was long, and the garbages appeared to be over a couple weeks full. Scraps of woods covered the porch as if it were being reconstructed, but as you looked closer you could tell from the aged wood that it had been sitting there from some time ago. This was the type of house that could penetrate and instant shiver or disgust in the pit of your body.
Inside it was worse, apparently there was no surprises, it was just as ugly as it was outside. Scattered, covered in unbearable smells and stains, and frantically missed placed belongings.
Foul and insane...My drug dealer made me feel comfortable in a twisted environment. I was there to escape my life, and could overcome my rigidness. You can take as much abuse from anything else which is equivalent to the amount that you do to yourself. So yeah, i could sit in a house of hell, and pretend that everything was peachy keen.
I remember the release Meth gave me, the sweet touch of the devil, and instant gratification to my soul. The devil promised me a break from the suffering of life, all i would have to do was surrender my soul to every temptation that demanded of me. Impulsive, defensive against reason, i let my obsessions and desires rule me. Lost in the amount of greed, i became hungry for what felt good, and was willing to do anything to maintain those feelings.

Im tired....continue this another day

Back To Mars: Unfinished Business

2004-05-11T22:11:41Z

Settling into him was the easy part. Floating around the days with him was comfortable. No knowing, no pain. Caring about our pleasures was all that we needed to survive. Interesting...thats why we blind ourselves, and settle for it. Never wanting to raise the stakes, but no matter what you do, pleasure will excuse itself without your permission. Mark...Mark...Mark...what were you thinking? It was easy for him to tell where i stood, and he had to know that I didnt have the slightest clue what he truly wanted from me. Intents and be complicated to see, and simple is sweet. So i was sweet..and he started to become fierce. Almighty and powerful. Ruling over his flock, and shep erring me. He started to piss me off, i wasnt good enough for him at one point...so he kept persisting me to change. He told me how to dress, and made me feel bad if i wasnt appropriate. He took me to Canada, and i was so miserable, because he dressed me up like his pet. I was forgiving though, and let it slip away...and he probably knew he could get away with it, why else do you say! Thats the truth.
Here's the real...i met him one sneaky night at Neighbors...we were both drunk...started to sleep together, became causal. After that it became fun, and we started to party heavily together. Glass, E, G..Oh My! Dirty sex that became rough and wild...loveless to say. It never phased me at the time that he was miserable not having a job, and attending bars on a regular basis. It took me even longer to realize that he always seemed to have to drink when i was around. His compliments is what refreshed everything though...and attention GOT LOST IN BEAUTY. Its distracting, but you only wish to follow it...no harm, done.
Secretly at first, i didnt want to tell my friends, for some reason, i knew i was ashamed...because it didnt seem right. I sugar code alot to protect and serve...i dont see wrong in that. But this is about being real to myself...its easy to imagine how you felt, and why...but its different to look on it and say what you know to be true. Because it isnt pretty! Your choice Chris...i dont want to hurt anybody. Whats more important to you, that you speak truthfully to yourself...or protect other's feelings? Theres a way you can do both...and so i continue, because i know for sure.
And so here i was...dancing away with my love, my life became sheltered in his decisions. He longed for more, and i longed for right. Nightly conversations on the phone, which use to have great admiration...became nightly lectures about my friends, "and how they werent". He was only trying to place me with help, but i only grew stubborn, and resentment towards him. Sometimes he would just feel more like a parent, then a bf...a familiar feeling i always knew to be true with the older...but also attracting me to their answers. Conflicted between my needs and my wants...i didnt even know they existed then. Struggling is only seeking knowledge of who you are...so thats why i stayed with him for 9 months, i needed him to put me together.
Scared of him when we went out into public, because he shifted into something new. I know longer knew who he was...because he had to present himself to others who could give him respect. And thats what i should be giving him, instead. But harm has been done...free it. Let him know the truth, theres beauty in that. Fine. It hurt when we were around his friends, i became a joke, a toy to be tossed. They only reminded me of how far below i was...when i compared his true conversation with his friends, to our personal ones, in the privacy of his home. Who was he? He was playing with the big boys, and i had to stay on the porch. Although he did try to include me into conversations...but i felt so small, i couldnt make a move. Am i just bitter? your getting wiser.
Holidays became useless and cheap...we never really had to make much of an effort for each other.
I went to a psychic for my birthday, a treat from my parents. And she became the first adult i had told about Mark. I remember he was persistantly curious to what she though about "us". And i told him the truth, without know what it meant..."she thought you were a wolf in sheeps clothing". He asked me if i believed that...and i didnt know how to understand full concept of thoughts. "of course not", speaking from the heart.
After our speedy trip of 5 months...things began to slow down, almost dragging our feet into the sand. We began to question the relationship...and took space. I had to ask myself..."if im in love, why am i feeling guilty for it". WAKE UP CALL...thats what guilt is i believe...just helps you see the truth. Hey Chris...i know you want to be in love, but when your feeling this way, your not...Dr. Guilty speaks to me. But INTERFERRING DENIAL steps up to the plate and knocks the diagnosis out of the field. Im in love god damn it! Do you really have to fight that hard? Chris...you dont even have to question it...thats real and true....hahahaha.
He started to worry about me, he said i had a problem with smoking weed...it was about the time he pushed me back to my friends. So, i took the care of them instead, since he did want me to give them up...def. a fall back. And with my friends...it was about the time when WEED BECAME FAMOUS. Smoking it made me cute, and silly...and i loved laughing. Also it appeared to expand my form of thinking, i could start learning for myself...still unaware what to do in the moment, it helped guide me at least. Weed, my friends, were now my problems that he infaced me with...and i didnt know what to trust, for some reason i knew everything to be bad examples...and chose to keep everything how it was...there really wasnt anything as better in my world. Its is what it is...was more my quote. He would still take me to parties though, huge parties...parties that i would always dreamed about attending, but became resentful towards then after they came true...it wasnt what i expected. The older the people were, the crueler it felt. Begging Mark to stay at home became just another guilt trip...compromising became, giving in...i couldnt win, i just felt bad. But then he called me cute, and everything magically turned happy again....he knew i lived in paradise and thats how he kept me.
"THE POOL PARTY"
Everyone who was everyone, was there. People's names i knew, but didnt even know mine. High school all over, i felt like a stupid boy in a world i would never fit in. Terrifed, i asked for shorts to wear, since this party was lost in the dates...i forgot my trunks at home. He made me wear a speedo, in front of everyone...and i was miserable...handed me a drink and sent me on my way. I got DRUNK...SO DRUNK...i finally found a nice little group...that stood there and analyzed me for the better...and thats where i chilled the entire night. Mark would check on me...and seemed pleased that i became acceptable. They started to brag about me, and the whole night was LOST IN BEAUTY. Drinking is was made us closer...thats where we found our common ground.

7 Months in Mars

I became stronger, the more i realized who he was. I figured out what was wrong, and attacked him when threats emerged. Comfortable had a whole new name. "Hello Chris, your so comfortable to the point now that you dont have to take his crap, because you know that he doesnt take yours....IM MR. JUSTIVE, and im here for YOUR serving". HOW DARE HE....i now see his threats and i dwell in them...jumping to conclusions i dont know fiction to non-fiction...but bravely proceed. He chose a mess, so he gets a mess. Breaking up was easy to do...saying good bye was better then saying sorry. Hanging up the phone was a previlgde, first come first serve..."You asshole"..."click".
Heres a whole new level for you...and he realized it, and tried to maintain it. Freedom spoke so good, even when i felt guilty...IM FREE...JUST BE ME. He called it quits and so did I...and tried to stick by me...but i wouldnt allow it. NO MORE HELP. ITS OVER!!!!
8 Months, we had been together for 8 months, why did i give up? How can i just give up on a person after 8 months of something that i can only remember as great. Unware at the time that i wasnt remembering him, only the affections of "to cuddle", "to live with another", "To dream together"...obviously, things that were lost in conflict, but always cherished in hopes that there is a brighter future. AND thats what drived you back to the broken. Where is the boundary lines to chance...my goodness. Sometimes it works itself out, other times it complicates itself to harm you. In our case...it only made matters worse...but we continued our ritual...breaking up for a week and getting back together...
9 Months...Fighting and breathing together became our words, traced with out jealous bitter love...which tied us together. Finally we had decided to make the best agreement for ourselves...and dropped a "parmentatly" infront of "over". It seems to work.

Its not over yet...i was out to prove something! We had ended and we had rest apart for serveral months. After awhile, missing him was sweet. And we began chatting online. He still had the title of being my longest relationship. What drives us back? Desperation...dont give in to what makes you suffer! I see...because its not true nor is it right...but only wrong. You gotta love explaining these concepts to yourself. And then writing out it to show that you understand it. Its fun, which equals crazy, which equals liberating. YAY! Wild child.
Anywho...I pretended as if i rapidly grew up for him...because i secretly missed him. He had strung my heart out...it could bare no more...nothing hurts more then a broken heart...sadly there is no medicine to rightfully cure its pain. But there is always the wild illusion of drugs. And thats where i waited for him, i hid in a world, standing alone until he came back to me as i expected him to. Cause life is always changing, and if he saw that grown up boy who had fianlly reached a man...then of course Chris...he will becoming back for you, so just smoke your weed and have fun.

He never came.
Im going to call it quits here...ill have more to spill...im hungary

And With One Kiss, Sleep Beauty Wakes Up

2004-05-11T06:10:35Z

AND SHE ASKS FOR MORE....

Today was a ride of my life. I reached brillances passed amazed. The keys to beuaty has finally come into affect, uncertainy is disolving, but innocence is caring...so no matter where i go, i will always get there. Glorious thoughts provoke me, even though i freaked out my friends. Im no longer battling myself, but am becoming more. Connection gives me light, how i ask? Its the form...sometimes it doesnt make sense but the answers are always there, you just have to look for it...i see. My God, i shall become you.
It gets interesting...today, i was many beautiful stages, showing myself exactly what i was. But it became very tricky, my cockiness loses its sight, and i turn lost in beauty. Somehow i seemed to be please with myself for taking that wondering route, because i always know if its true its right. Im a believer now, i ponder and tremble...but i never stop trying. Its crazy, but that in itself is only liberating. Never sure why...but you are...its gazes upon you, and entises you. When things go bad, especially with your friends or family...you become sensual..and move around it without mistakes. Just because they are trapped in problems doesnt mean you have to be. Arent we always? Never. Whats that suppose to mean? That in fact you create! Exactly, why else do you think you! And in fact its the purpose in which your spirit is created.
Sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other, and you miss it, but seriously, all you have to do is listen to yourself and believe. Thats a creation...my point well taken.
What do you do about the others? Love them for what they are...its the only way to get passed. Like today, i suffered from sensuality, because i felt like i was hurting them, but in fact i was loving them. I escaped to another place so i would not in turn hurt them. I saw sacarifice today...before, i always saw it as fake...it would scare me away, now i only admire it in others...they are giving me something, and turning it true. CREATION.
I rised and i fall...the mighty has a funny way of doing that....i was on top of the world, nothing stood in my way...Judgement showed me that i needed others though, and i slipped away to its grasp..and became peaceful. Peace, nothing needs to measure it. Safe in its will, you can enrich others. LOVE LOVE LOVE...i let whispering moans escape, and wonder if anyone can tell. It doesnt matter Chris, its for you. I live in right...why? Because you believe. But what if its all just an illusion...that im wrong...that im just crazy? Get over it...that doesnt matter either...your doing good, your doing better then good...i thought you said you were done fighting yourself. Your right...point well taken. God i am good....still i think im a little crazy, you have to give me that much. Fine. But just remember, that your not. God damn you, your good. LOL...Crazy but good...i can go in cycles, so ill stop. Is that what crazy is? LOL...if people spent as much time being truly honest with themselves...im sure they would get the same results as you. True. Its all there to master. I want to go beyond that. You can preceed. Recognize. Accomplish. Become. Recieve. Develope before its too late. I feel like ive been given another chance with life. You have. Sadly it seems people are falling for less, and you were stuck in it waiting for complete. But it did happen, and why? Because you took a risk for yourself. Is it just a case of matter of time to recieve earned? That in fact we are never truly lost. Im confused, how can all of this measure up? Your trailing...damn it. Its because im curious to how its possible. LOL...wow, im amazed. And thats how it is. Im upset now...i didnt get my answer...and this is what happens. And its pleased no matter what. Thats not fair though...its fine...stop confusing yourself...your in love.

Captured Servent

2004-05-08T04:38:59Z

He would be a journey each time. Always amazing me...complicated to the point of simple. He rushed me, lifts me. He wants me for himself. Truthfully caring...he looks at me, believing me and forgiving me for ever doubting him. He rubs me when im rightfully lost. Never putting his head down in shame, but only in sorrow. He lifts me back up...his eyes are waiting for mine. So rich with jewels he shares his and shows me mine. Caught up in disbelief, he shows me its "not wrong". His affection is always there, even when it doesnt seem like hes paying attention. He gives me freedom to feel sensual. He likes what he does to me. He will always return to his greatest heights. He will analyze me for the better. He'll get cocky when he knows im right. We will lay down in bed at night exchaging our dreams in which we reach. He wont know which way to go, but will always have light in his eyes. Tricks dont matter...and he will capture me. He will lend a hand when im climbing, until we are veiwing over our achievements. Then he will hug me. He'll close his eyes and cant believe that he's "here". Sometimes we pull away, and we wonder why. Making it blankly to see that we deserve each other. Spinning in cycles that i start recognizing, ill ask him, and he'll reply "it is what it is". Making me realize their should always be that mystery. He loves me, know that for a fact, even when i am tired. He pulls me in close, and wraps himself around me. He will help me decide what is best, and show me that he is right. He always has something to prove, because he hasnt given up. I always remember him, and he will live on. He sweet when he shouldnt be, but its forgiven. When im scared to climb, he gives me as much time as i need, and i know he is there. He makes me shrug when im in doubt, because he shows me better...and it only makes him happy. Then he will hold, and tell me everything will be okay...making me realize im his baby. It becomes cute, and i cant imagine life without him. He knows im smart regardless when im in the swamps...he makes a clever joke to bring me back up...because we both realize that there is nothing we can do about those demons, accept get over it. We become great, but always know we can go farther. We push each other, and experience the veiw of the beautiful together. I know he's always watching, and i become eager to face him. He pulls me up, and kisses me on the cheek. Sex is glorious, and fullfilling. He blessed me when he said i was his. He knows how he works, and shows me how to deal. "It Can Be Everything" he whisper to me. When im innocent he treats me with care. I say "Why Me"...and surprised compassion speak out...as if he is surprised i cant see the treasures, because deep down he knows its better that way.

The love gets old, and wiser. You finally figured out a way to be seperate but as one. And realizing that it always changes...so its never really old, it just goes that way..trailing off to another. Making you remember to not take it too serious. The pranks come and go. IM IN LOVE IM IN LOVE...you already know that. A truce..so you dont have to decide no more. You love him, nothing more needs to be said. Finally, being settled, after a long trip...he lets you rest. Warm, you always know he is going to be by your side. You realize that your going to be in faced with challenges, but we arent scared of tests. It brings us closer. "Look where we are now". He tells me what he knows. He'll free me. The dark side will always come, but the light is always there, no question about it, because it will alway exist if you do. Mistakes are made, and he shows me im not a freak...just remember he says.
Im scared to lose him, because i dont think i can do it on my own...he laughs, he tells me its not even about that, "baby, its joy". How does he know all this? Smoldering, im really proud of him. He knows i am, and he looks lovenly at me. And he wraps up the moment and puts a bow on it. Showing me how to measure up to the moments. He always gives me gifts like that. Needing him and wanting him is love. "i...love...you". He knows me..."trust me he will say", and tilts my head up. He knows im sensitive, and see's it as my greatest attribute.
Prideful in his ways, he will show me how to get passed, telling me never to lose it, but giving me the ability not to let it present itself without cause. He tells me never to lose my spirit, or i will lose my purpose. He makes me shy away, sometimes it to much to handle, but he will decide its not, and carry me away. This love exists in all of us, its capable for us to see.
I seem to fall, and i become hard on myself, and once again all he shows me is the bright side...sometimes you can get sick of the incredible, sometimes its hard to maintain. He tells me "keep on the saddle, baby your always going to slip...and as much as i would love to do something about it, all i can do is lift you back up". I need more...i know i can get higher then that...."baby, dont be so high maintaince", he replies. "And baby why is that...dont you just want to escape to a better place, it sounds to me that your stuck in reality, i note." "Dont be crazy..." "We all are, thinking that your crazy, is only another step to get over...it really doesnt exist." He jumps ups, and thats what makes it intimate. I LOVE HIM...HERE IT GOES AGAIN...EMOTIONS I CANT GRASP, BECAUSE THEY FEEL TO DAMN GOOD TO RESTRICT. It feels like we won..that its the point that we know we are going to MAKE IT!!! You...you...love me.
He always kisses my forehead..."baby, im just tired, i state". He knows though...that im thinking about him, and that i only wish to please him. Down in the gutters is where i make my greatest creations...he says to me, and winks. ...Bastard...does he have to see everything...still smouldering. The answer is yes, and dont miss out. We can get far into our thoughts together...he tells me things so far fetched that he is the only one who could teach me. He tells me, that there is a place for everything, and that the higher you reach the better you are. We can make it to a place that feels like its reaching towards the heavens, and he lets me know thats where im going. I ask him what he thinks about judgement...and he replies "its just an illusion to make you feel bad about yourself, with it you cant see the beauty, and beauty is the key that opens the doors to me." "Okay, i need a breather break"....i turn away, he overloads me....but i turn back...ready for me..."can we live in this forever?" "Anything for you", he says generously. "Can i trust that...?" "Its not about trust, its yours". "How did i get this lucky?" '"Luck rewards you for something you deserved...its nothing more then that." "So if i call upon you, you will serve me?" Always, because inturn you are serving me". Its doesnt get any fairer then that. What more can be said...? And he turns to me once more..cautiously warning me...."just never let go". "I promise". I will always be true and that beats being right, so in your face all you know it alls. =) "See" honesty is risky, but if you can find someone who doenst judge, your SAFE. Because we arent dwelling in power...we are dwelling in harmony. Thats the beuaty! The only thing you should prove is yourself...remember that. Tricky.
So...these are my thoughts as i sit here, wondering when it will all be over. Do you exist or not? Of course you do, cause i will never see you if i lose my faith. YOU ARE OUT THERE...waiting for me to rise. I can do it...it will just take time...clarity is my enemy. I LOVE YOU I LOVE I LOVE...you better be there with a ring =)

Welcome To Mars: The Power Trip

2004-05-07T04:55:00Z

To conquer or to be conquered

A Visit To Mars: When A Boy Loves A Man

2004-05-06T07:32:43Z

A few turned their heads in shame, a couple supported their ignorance, but many warned me it was a suicide mission. I didnt listen to the wise, and jumped right aboard my rocket ship to SPACE.
I was convinced that there wasnt any factors that would come between a 17 year old and a 32. Sure, I realized that we would have our differences like any other normal relationship, but the truth was, i got more of a thrill from how much attention he was giving me. He brought offerings that i only saw on soap opera's...god damn drama...its the spice of life!

An apartment set on the hills of Queen Ann, which was there from my usage at any hour anytime...i would be welcomed and suited, as if there was a hidden contracted stating that it was half mine.
Inside, furniture was arranged like the pictures you would see on the cover of a some household catalog. Wine and dinner would be cooking as i got to control the remote on his CABLE TV (Somewhat of a luxury i was never entitled to at home). Wine, in fancy glasses served with lemon seasoned chicken, steamed carrots and mashed potatoes, one of his special dishes. Occasionally candles were lit, and mildly play music, enchanted the moment. Very romantic, he had not only prepared a delicious dinner, but made a spartactular moment, which wasnt just one splendid night, but serveral. Unfortunately, not all special moments are shared. I totally missed the big picture, and chugged the wine, took the dinner, plopped myself in front of the television, so i wouldnt slop on the couch, and put all my concentration into my show.

Its confusing to me, i dont see why he made the time and patience for me? I know i couldnt tolerate it...And this is what brings me back to SPACE...which seperated us, but in turn made us available for each other. I used that extra space to create that illusion of something beautiful. He admired it, and it almost appeared to worshipped for a short time. I couldnt keep up with him....so i made him keep up with me. Which he surprisingly managed.
He never took my threats seriously, and dodged all my bullets, until he came across my "safe", and cleverly cracked my code, and enjoyed my values. For this he will never be forgotten by me.

God, its so fucking confusing....i feel this and that...caught in a web of emotions i struggle to free myself, as he stands there in amusement...drawing a line that i will never be able to cross. I will never be able to find him. Well, there are always those moments where our ships collide, and we met once more only set up for me to slip again and fall back into his hands. I dont understand how he could be satisfied with that, well maybe for the same reasons i was satisfied with him....it all comes down to affection. The things we do for it...cashing yourself out, and settling for something that you know isnt right, but it works. Its not wrong either...its a nice vacation from loneliness, you back all your hopes and needs in a customized back pack...and take the second flight to Paris. Whats more important...this is the most baffling question...Giving something a chance even though it jepordizes what you truly want or keeping yourself together, and holding out for that one, that you dont even know exist, but somehow he continues to haunt your most loveliest dreams. See...i thought it was better keep yourself contained until the time your capable to show the length of your love...but that has to be earned, and your not even taking the chance with anyone because you expect to have it slap you in the face even though you didnt do anything period. Love at first sight...do you really believe in that? I dont know...and just by this fact i know im missing out....GOD DAMN IT.
Anyways, i kinda trailed off..i believe my point was that, i was in a place that i needed to find love in anything that could accept me...so in a twist i would shower myself in his flattery, his cuddles, kisses, sex, etc. He made it a comfortable place to dwell in...he was calm and gentle, he started to write me cute little notes around his appartment...telling me how much i mean to him. And it was those little things that nailed me...even though he never really needed to do it, i was already devoted. See, it took me a long time to figure out that it wasnt about needing, it was about wanting. He never got to see me blossom, and when i started to see the traces of love he was already out of my life. Like an unapreciated artist...who only became famous long after his life had passed. I still talk to Mark, but there is always that space that we can never escape. Its envitable, i will only continue to hurt him as we both grow...the sad truth is, i cant even see what im doing to keep him on that other side of the line.
I stayed 9 months in Mars...and let me tell you, its another world.

SEX, DRUGS, & MADONNA: Catch Them While Their HOT

2004-03-25T08:11:17Z

"Cosmic systems intertwine, astro bodies drip like wine..."

I dont recall what lead me back to him, but somewhere along the way i had reconnected with Larry. I didnt need an apology to fix matters. The tracks that i left with him, never made any solid imprints...time just seemed to erase the history.
I grew bored with Garret's structures on being civilized and refined, and Larry showed me how to escape the burdens of discipline. Not that i didnt know how to do it myself, but he made it okay. I could be as bad as i wanted, say anything brutal and discriminating, and it would be encouraged with a laugh, or provoked with another judgment.
He made it safe to hunt for sex, and chase after anything that we needed, regardless if it wasnt good for us...because the only thing that was certain, was the fact that we were in it together, dissolving the guilt.
It became a game to us, we were just boys being naughty and having fun doing it. Sex was a sport, and we would compete for the trophies. Of course, never admitting how much we began to despise each other, for getting the prize. Because when it all came down to it, we needed to see our opponent win, to be sure that they would soon be degraded on the same scale. We werent winning, we were losing.
Men became our drugs, we injected them into our systems in high quantities. Not realizing that it was the cause of our depressions, we depended on it to revive us.
We were always on the prowl, whether it be online, at Volunteer Park, or just on the streets of Broadway. Back then, just one look by a man could change your entire day, you held onto it, and needed it to survive. Intelligence and comprehension was the last of our worries, but perfect hair, clothes, and complexion was deeply symbolic to what you were.
When in faced with other rivals, we would pick them apart and destroy them behind there back, making our insecurities fade in a wink of an eye. But always remembering to put a happy smile on, in front of them, because we had to many insecurities to ever start confrontations. Well, i guess thats not entirely true with Larry, he wasnt afraid to be blunt, actually i think he enjoyed it more then the catty stab in the back approach. He has some balls, ill give him that much...he has taken some beatings, but he always manages to get back up...but havent we all? I just feel the need to give him a little more credit...as much as i just want to blurt out harsh opinions, i believe there is good in him, it took me along time to see it. I caught a glimspe of it, right before our relationship came crashing down. It was soulful, it was his protected paradise. He had finally trusted me enough to give me a piece of his heaven, until fate had decided to give him an awful boyfriend. His boyfriend had the ingredients to Larry's perfection..but burnt his heart when he was so bold to repeatedly suggest a 3 way with me. After that, Larry couldnt look at me the same way. So he chose to stay in the relationship, and drowned out his friends, because we were just getting in the way of his happiness, after we made complaints.
Its funny, i realize that he made a mistake, and he realizes it now as well. But there is just something about betrayal, that forever dampens the relationship. I wanted to forgive him, and just move past it, when he and i came crawling back to each other, later that year. But the trust never rebuilt itself...i guess its something you cant forget. The resentment needs to be forgiven on both accounts first, for it to pass...i suppose?
Anyways, im getting way ahead of myself....

"I dont want anybody else but you, all the others look the same . Galaxies are sliding into view, and i dont even know your name"

It was my second time i had ever taken an E bomb, the first was at a high school party in Marysville. All i remembered about it was, it was unbelivable...so unbelievable i agreed to try it again with Larry.
He had boughten them earlier that day, and we had chatted with Mark online, and begged him to see if he could hunt us down a party with older men...we were so sick and tired of peers. Mark had come through, and we had finally arrived in Seattle around 8ish. We all met up at Mark's place, and he was pleased to see me.
Early that month i had made a couple stops over there, so this wasnt the first time i had made a visit. It wasnt anything butt sex, but to tell you the truth, i was actually quite fond of him. He was the first man to ever really make me feel special.
Lar and I, quickly took our E pills and rushed out the door.
I was soo fucking excited, i had an adrenaline rush just from the thought of how the night was going to turn out. I was on the edge, and i just took a dive!
The ecstacy kicked in on the ride up, and i was swimming in love. Sensations enlightened me, and i saw true beauty in everything.
From the shapes and colors of the bright city, soooo full of life, sooo overwhelmed with magnificent shades and pigments. I just wanted to reach out and touch it! Instead i touched the window, and became equally fascinated with the smooth cold texture of the clear transparent illusion of life itself. I was amazed with exposures of the familiar, which seemed like the first time i had ever layed eyes upon it, as if it had all been hiding from me, protecting itself against judgement...as if it too, had a heart, so afraid of being lost and unappreciated, but the fear alone makes it dissapear...funny, and only now, has it become something to remember, as if its reason to repress itself, was correct along.
Larry was full of electric chatters, which spiraled in my body, making me perform to what i thought was accurate and percise reactions...making each conversation perfect in everyway...which only brought us closer. I loved him, and everything i had felt poorly about the relationship, made me open up to him so he could nourish my wounds. And that brought us closer, we started to have an affectionate relationship, giving him a back rub was something i would more then gladly do...making him happy made me feel SOO FUCKING GOOD. I got the reward and so did he.
Mark touched my leg, and heaven had a new taste. I felt so fucking HOT, SOOO FUCKING HOT...he continued to touch me, i couldnt talk, i began to breath heavily....lost in my own conscious, as the outside lights entranced me , illuminating the darkness under my eyelids, with swirls of patterns of GOD himself, i became a slave to love, and i would gladly serve it forever! A cell phone rang, and i broke free, but once again entangled in the moment. "IM SO FUCKING HIGH....And Larry would say...ME TOO".
A man open the taxi and hopped, i didnt know who he was...but in his eyes i saw love. So in the most friendliest way i said "HI, IM CHRIS"...he shakes my hand and i accidentally let a soft moan escape. It turned out that he was the man on the phone, and in fact it was his party...His name was Robert. I remember him asking how old we were, and we replied 17...he seem very "interested".
Finally in a flash of time, the car stops, and we get out...the air felt so crisp, making me over flowed with intensity..as if i my body could no longer hold my emotions...
We get to the apartment at full speed...that hill was nothing, im not even tired, but im breathing hard....hmmmm
Robert opens the door...and i felt tricked...i had expected a party full of men, socializing..there for my picking...but instead i got a naked guy on the floor watching porn, while another guy was online trying to find other guys to cum over. My heart dropped to the floor, i had never been to one of these kinds of parties. But in another flash, the porn caught my eye, and the E convinced me that i could def. be happy here.
Robert took notice to us...and treated us like royalty. Actually, i believe the "whole party" was more then attentive. Mark informed all of them that we were on E...and Robert offered us other favors to satisfy us..G or T. Mark warned me and suggest that i dont try anything up the nose...and i really really like him, so didnt in that passing moment. Lar and i took a dose of G and the rest just became a blur.

I remember how HOT i felt...like i just discovered my body for the first time...Like every touch was more then satisfying. I got naked in the bathroom with Mark, and i got to do whatever i wanted to him...and there was no such thing as boundaries or restrictions.
I was saved by Mark that night...i was in over my head...to many guys wanted to fuck me, but i was so devoted on Mark that i didnt give them the time of the day. And i look back on it, Im glad i was innocent enough not be fooled by the drugs into making me a huge slut that night...instead they made me really loving, loving enough where my heart was taken only to Mark. I kissed another guy, and i remember just thinking, "I hope Mark doesnt get mad".
Im so glad! Cause if i didnt have him there, i would had been fucked left and right...I remember Robert yelling at Mark saying "he doesnt need a father". And as me and Mark were getting dirty in the bedroom, that Robert guy kept coming in to watch...Also, i remember that Robert guy saying little comments, like "That boy knows how to handle his G! Hey Chris, you want another dose!" And i would come skipping in, in my underwear, smiling happily in my magical world of make believe, where there was no such thing as being taking advantage of. I just took it as him being "super sweet". Then watching him run over to Larry who was sick in the bathroom, and going in there and closing the door. But I was too happy...to worry
Early in the morning, we finally decided to do the Tina, and we were so high that we couldnt even feel what it the effect was...so we would complain for more, and more....(it took the second experience to show us what it really did, cause we were out of our minds that night).
Guys came over and left...randomly...and we became the prime targets. I finally asked Mark if he wanted to date...cause i was in LA la land, and it seemed to be the perfect time and place. Mark agreed to, and we decided to go fuck in the privacy of his own apartment. I made sure larry was going to be okay....(why wouldnt he be, IM MEAN THESE GUYS ARE GREAT GUYS). Of course he was fine with my departure, and being alone...he was a firm believer of taking care of himself. So, we exchanged hugs, and we seperated.

I dont no what happened to him that night...ive heard bits and pieces that im sure must had been hard to deal with. I know how it feels the morning after, so shameful....As much as i know, i needed to go through that shit, im still sorry for it.

Mark and me continued to date...the drugs were still a part of our relationship in the beginning. We would always get high on E, Glass, G for the first few months of our relationship....im going to call it quits here for now.

"I need another chance! And the worlds are spinning, spinning baby, out of control. I need another chance! And let the music take me, take me where my heart wants to go!"

Another Beginning: A Small Town Boy In A Big Time City

2004-03-22T07:00:14Z

Going through Fall and Winter...nothing seemed to change. I had become a lifeless zombie, stuck in a cycle. Only rising from the dead to toast another drink, at another party i would soon forget about.

In the beginning of fall i had attached myself to another bf, and tried to make this one more meaningful then the others. His name was Brian, and i treated him as rotten as i felted. The truth was he just seemed more like a brother figure, then an actual bf. It felt like incest, and we never slept in the same room, let alone have sex.

I dont know why he continued to pursue me after the way i had treated him. Like i said before my life was centered on parties, even long after i felt the need to quit. So he sat on the sidelines as i focused on satisfying my urges.
I look back on it, and i can imagine the pain i must had caused him...but back then i didnt care, and the last thing i wanted to admit to myself was that i had a bad side.
The truth was i tricked him into liking me. I showed him something gentle and sweet...knowing he would value my tenderness...but once he was in, i neglected his needs and only fed on him when he met mine.
When getting drunk with him, i only desired the touch of another. He would whine, and storm out of a party when i stopped noticing his existence...and only for a second would i pity him, then for the next 5 hours i would just forget completely.
He was my puppet when i was sober, he would buy me my precious smokes and liquor, transport my friends without the contribution of gas money, and never forgetting to take me home after a party at 3am, and then driving back home at almost 4am or 5am...and then working early at Star Bucks...it didnt matter if he was drunk or not...i never considered his safety.

What carried this relationship for more then a couple months, was the fact that he supported my weekly cycle. And for him, im guessing he was dealing with being alone, and chose to settle for less then he deserves. By making someone else happy he made himself happy, and escaped the misery. Desperation was driving both of us mad!
I used him, and i strung him along...and even worse it took me a couple years to stop laughing about it with my friends. But i guess there is some innocence in everything new that we do, that makes it seem soo right then, and never thinking that one day you will pay for it...because we believe that we had thought it through to the point of knowing the truth...but then it all comes back to us.
Its life's pranks that determines if either we are taking it too serious or if we know how to take a joke. And its better i think to take the joker's route, or your never going to escape the facts and find harmony!

One night in Seattle, we sat in his Explorer. It was the moment i had been waiting for all day. He cracked open the Vodka, and we took shots straight out of the bottle. Finally, i could smile again...and treat my bf the way he wanted. Looking into his eyes as we continued to overload our bodies with the bitter taste, i could see he truly cared for me. The messages we exchanged through our eyes promised me of an exciting night.
I opened the door and danced in the wind, everything was amazing...so full of reality and dreams. I knew everything and everything knew me.
We walked on the side walk...multi-tasking our words, and controlling our bodies, while gazing upon specters that passed us by.
Risks...its all about risks, nothing could hurt me in that drunken state of mind. And i jumped on every idea without a second thought...no need for control...a crazy person never thinks he is crazy.
A bouncer is what stood in between me and the door to Neighbors (Seattle's hot spot at the time). It was about 12ish and the line was semi full. Brian followed me up to the door, and was quick to give up. Meanwhile, the bouncer was busy checking out these guy's ID's...so without the need for courage i just slipped in the door, unnoticed...leaving Brian behind. I came to the conclusion that I was having fun, and he just needed to wait and respect that.
At the counter, a man sat in a booth, staring at me with concern. Aside from him a boy i recognized from Old Man Will's house, was staring at me trying to put a name with my face. I grabbed the opportunity before any of them...and ran directly towards Nicko as if i knew my way around. The man in the booth called to me, but i walked off as if i couldnt hear. Nicko was shocked at my boldness, and warned me to becarful....ya ya....time to ditch you. A quick kiss on the cheek and i parted ways from him.
It was latino night, and nobody caught my eye, but still it beats Brian by a good mile. I was a little nervous...not at the fact of getting caught, but more on the lines of looking pathetic because i had no one to talk to! I dont want to look like a loser, because it was just common knowledge then, that all eyes would be on me! I MEAN HELLO!

Curiously looking around the dark, disco lighted room for A man...NOT A BOY, but a man...someone who has the strength to hold me forever. Seek and you shall find...

His name was Mark. He was in his early 30's, a little shorter then me, but nicely toned...there wasnt anything boyish about him. He bought me a drink, and i knew he wanted me. His arm touched my back, and i wanted so badly to go home with him that night.
Last call for alcohol rose quicker then i expected. I was soo trashed, by all the shots that had been bought for me. I was at the point of oblivious, i couldnt pay attention to anything. The music took my concentration, and my body seemed to be controlled by it.
Somehow at the end of the night Brian had snuck his way in and confronted me. He was still clearly drunk as well, so it was only a brief guilt trip before the adrenaline hit him from sneaking in,which changed the subject.
Mark was still prowling around me, and i could tell Brian was getting the picture that he always needed to see. I felt bad, but that didnt stop my drunken intentions, to try and go home with Mark that night. I was crazy/wild...i didnt have a threat...there wasnt any such thing as wrong or right...it all just felt soo good.
Brian took control, and required me to come home with him...he didnt trust Mark, as Mark was trying to bargain with Brian to make him change his proposal.
I took Marks number, and promised i would call...right infront of Brian.
We all knew it was over...and it was time to call it quits.I didnt have any remorse for the situation till the morning. I knew i had gone to far with Brian, and there wasnt anything i could do to fix it. It was for the better, but even now i wonder if i should just let it go as it was, or finally take responsibility for my actions, and confess and apologize for my behavior.
I figure he has moved on just like i have. He has found himself a good boy, that deserves his love. Im glad he is happy, and i cherish him for all his ways.
And thats ENOUGH........night never never land

Finding The Sacred Torch: The Passion Of Life

2004-03-20T20:33:39Z

Letting Go, Giving In, Trying, Striving...i believe it to be all a matter of sacarificing. And i believe sacrificing to be the true magic of life. Its pain and its pleasure, but its all so very wonderful...i could be totally contradicting myself right now, but this is how i feel and what i think at this very moment. And it doesnt matter if im sailing myself out, because it feels beautiful and true. Life shouldnt have one way or another, it shouldnt have to much structure that tightens your hold. An it shouldnt have too much openness and exposure...and trying to balance it...its only going to fall once more...the truth is that there isnt a way to control it all...you just got to keep sacrificing yourself to the purpose.

Im kinda taking a detour with this experience, but im feeling the heat of passion in my soul...so there really isnt any other better time then the power of now, to get this out!

His name well just say is BJ (it actually fits quite well to the story). It began when i was 16, and it happened online. I knew from the very start that this man was dangerous and exciting. His pictures were really arousing, and as it continued to grow, it became unbearable. The passion and lust for him was memorizing.
He was different then the others that i came acrossed in my life...he was something that flared your soul. I walked through a ring of fire for him...because he was my heart's desire.
We met on a rainy day...i was in Seattle with Garret, and Garret ditched me to keep another guy/man company...dirty little whore...how could he leave me stranded...so the only solution was to find me a guy/man too!
Its actually kinda funny, i met him when i was still in my little queen phase, where wearing make up to cover up my zits were only known by me in my little world. I look back on it now, im sure by the dosage of cover up i had on, he could tell. So embarrassing...
Things were innocent in this case, because my heart was on the line for him. He made me feel so scared, and fragile...wanting it all but to afraid to grab it. The passion which burned only for him, made each moment long for more. So thirsty, that you drink it fast, and let the satisfaction rush in, as if waiting only makes you suffer more. Once it fulfills your insides...your lost. I became his and he could do whatever he wants to me. And i wanted him to do as he pleases, because it would be the real torture if he didnt.
We drove back to his place...and it looked and smelled just like him...and it was perfect! Nervous to what he thought of me, and to his every little move. The fire of not being able to be at ease kept me alive. He popped in a movie and got comfortable on the couch...i couldnt tell what his motives were, because i was drowning in mine...my lust had me captive. Someone with a clear mind would had recognized the traditional ways of getting someone into bed. But so much desire, and so much unsurity of what i didnt have that very moment clouded everything i was.
Finally, his foot touched mine...and the fireworks and celebration began. His toe slightly curled around mine...making my heart skip. The trance over took me, and i craved more...legs, hands, and chests, began to meet for the first time...and i knew this is who i wanted to be with...i trusted this feeling over any other, and it didnt matter who he was, i already knew how i felt about him...when you reach this point, everything excuses itself...and passions takes chances.
The kiss....wow....i have never physically felt anything more perfect then that kiss. Our lips seemed to fade into each other...as our tongues stormed out passionate, raging emotions ...to peaceful blue skys making amends with the earth below. Delicate waves of light collide to the earth at once...as if the sky and the earth were always meant to be as one. His hand brushed my skin, and i felt like a virgin for the first time. He kissed down my neck, and found places i have never been touched before. Cream like flowing sensations startled me...it was too good to be true, but fighting it would be pointless. My heart released its doubts and i was able to look at him in the eyes for the first time.
We had unbelievable sex that night...and i discovered passion...and my sacred torch. And when i say sacred torch, i mean that time in your life that you realize sex is to be that special with someone you care for....the pleasure and pain that makes you so vulnerable should be shared mutually. It took me a couple more experiences with him to realize that it was only special to me. After experiencing something so powerful, and yet so breathtaking...you need so much for that person to understand the way you feel about them...in hopes that they can understand how special it is to feel that way. It wasnt anything new to him, and i realized that i could no longer share it with him. So much pleasure and so much pain makes it more then your willing to give.
Im 20 years old now, and i have been seeing him on and off...wanting so much to be with him, hoping that its only a matter of time. That if i keep persisting and devoting myself to him that i could have his heart, just like he has mine. But the truth is he never took my heart, ive been holding it out there for him to grab...and he cant even see it. It sucks when it takes you so long to get something, sitting in denial is a waste of time, but thats when you truly get to know yourself, the part of you that sacrifices the odds, the part of you worth giving! And by knowing that, you can step out of it...and wait for that one who strikes it up again, but this time your prepared.
And thats the truth.
BJ will always have a place in my heart

The Golden Days: Day Light's Wasting

2004-03-20T19:01:32Z

That summer i was flying on wings, i just had ended another two week relationship, and hopped aboard on a another insignificant one.
It was the summer once again, and life seemed to have so many unleashed temptations. The air was full of flavors, and the heat only intensified everything...even the way you felt. God, there is just something about summer that makes me feel so fucking spiritual, and when i mean spiritual...i mean everything feels possible.

And so it was, i had finally found someone i cared about, and who had accepted my personality for what it was at the time. Plus he really knew how to make me smile...thats what counts. Together we had made a reputation (in our little heads), and were invited to many of the hottest parties. Our Ego's were at its highest, this was about the time that mirrors were important...they really made the outcome of your day...they could make you or break you, it was such a bittersweet relationship. This was also the time we found our third...our fag hag! Her name was Kelly, and she was dashing, glamorous, and extremely fun.
We soaked it all up, and the spotlight from all of it was so deeply enriching, as if it held promises of never ending glory.
She was our heroin, the amazon woman, running away from men, she had built herself a village full of girls (fags...samething basically)...where she was the one true woman.
And she became a piece of my life.

Night became day and day became night....parties became the center of my life. I remember singing along with everyone to Janet Jackson, on the ride up. Smoking a cigarette, and just finding that inner peace. Entering the party "fashionably late", where everyone is so fucked up they greet you as if they had been missing you all night, making you feel like candy.....but always remembering never to show up too late or those bastards would screw you over and drink all the alcohol. Once you were in, you would swiftly and gracefully pass by everyone with a smile...stopping briefly to say hello to someone who has grabbed your attention. Getting drunk right away was the key to success, you needed to catch up with the others so you could at least understand them. The mutual understanding still stood between me, Garret, and Kelly...and we would spread out, making an impression.

Kelly was bedazzling, she had an advantage because she was a girl...gay guys flocked to her...she made them feel comfortable to the point where you could express your self freely with her. She wiped out your blocks, and oozed her way under your skin, and in your pants. She was me and garret's key, and had unlocked the door to all the hot guys that we had always been so afraid to talk to.

It was so full...so sparkling...loud...splipping in between people, your eyes would lock on to each others, and you would feel familiar, welcomed, and soooo sexy. These people were my friends, i would bond with them outside, smoking my Camels...having a heart to heart, and truly feeling compassion for that person.Also having those intellectual conversations where you rewarded yourself if you could understand and explain your view points...and truly taking pride in the fact that you taught something new to someone. Or even just chit chatting or bullshitting about life while taking a shot or two with your new best friend.

The morning was different...seeing these people in daylight was another story. You wanted to care to the point of being fake...because you shared so much with each other the previous night, and it meant something. But everyone felt as if the show was over, and you could not longer cheat your way to friendship with another drink. But the day turns into night once again...and you seek what you had before, until you get your closure.
We drained ourselves that summer, trying to keep up with the tango of things, by fall we were ready to quit...and we all separated in our different ways.

ThE BroKen CrUtCh:: The Black Kiss

2004-03-20T06:46:47Z

And then there are those that you think back on, and like to blame for all the damage that they have done in your life. You catch yourself, and dont think they even deserve the consideration of your time...its not worth thinking about, you say to yourself. But then, it twists yet one more time in the root of your stomach..and you finally reach a point where you realize without them, you would had experienced it in another way, there was no escaping reason...and you begin to value them, forgiving them in a way by forgetting them...you give them a kiss and blow it away.

Garret and me were one now...but we didnt realize what it meant to be that involved with someone...who's to say? We were having to much fun being fags! High and mighty wasnt bad as it appeared on the outside. I saw why Garret like to behave in this way...you felt like a king (A queen in our case), nobody got in your way, you were so self centered and full of it, you couldnt see anything but the perfections in yourself. Everything was right...and justified reason in your mistakes that cleaned up every little mess. You inspired yourself to suceed in life, following your personal dreams, and passions. It was admirable to be just who you were. And Honestly, it made me more courageous having someone there along with my strength.
We started on yet another mission...to find a third. We had several of these...one was to fix up an ugly duck, and train him to be like us. Another was to find a bitch to drive us around. But this time we just needed more company...more entertainment. We would go off into our imagination together, thinking of interviewing, paper work and such. But it never happened like that...surprise surprise!
His name was Larry, and we thought he was sweet. He was really into us, eager to be satisfying to our needs. And thats how he got in...he gave us what we wanted, making sure he took charge. He drove us were we wanted to go, drank with us, and bought us things. He never bugged me at first...but after a while he started to get a little controlling. We didnt say anything, cause he was driving, and we felt as if we were the ones miss treating him. But soon enough, he got power hungery...and Garret and i thought it was time to let him go...so we "snipped" him. Cause we realized we had the popularity.
We were to mature for his nature...im sure. But this would be only the start...he is very determined!

ThE cRutCh: Lovely Uncertainty

2004-03-20T05:52:48Z

Life can sneak up right behind you, cover its hands over your eyes. And just as your wondering...its already grabbing you, perfectly by the hand, and leading you somewhere unexpectedly.
Your scared of course, not be able to use your best judgment, and trusting something that you cant even see yet. But as your taking those steps, you realize the beauty in all of it....and cant imagine life without it.

4 Years, my heart was taken. It crept up on me at first. I knew where i stood with him...he was just a friend. I mean when i first saw him...Yeah, i thought he was attractive, but then i got to know him...and that faded immediately. BUT THEN, i got to know him...and it didnt matter anymore.

How should i explain the most touching experience of my life. How does one really fit it all in...something so great cant be put into words, but ill try.

At first he annoyed the shit out of me, he was like a little know it all, who didnt know how to stop. I guess i called him regardless of all the irritation he caused me...because it all came down to that i was lonely. The first time we hung out, we got stoned in the forest with his gothic girlfriend. I remember when he asked if i ever smoked, i made it a huge deal, that i did indeed, smoke the mary jane...i thought i was so cool and smooth about it. Afterwords, I was so fucked up, i couldnt talk...and i definitely couldnt make eye contact...and on top of that, i had to drive (which i suspected that was the only reason he agreed to hang out with me for the first time...because i had the vehicle that could transport him to his real friend). But i guess i was using him for my advantage too, isnt that how it really works?
So i know he must had left thinking all these weird/strange thoughts about me, and im sure i worried about it long after he stopped. Dwelling wasnt anything new in my category.
You know its funny, once you figure out a way to deal with a person, you finally get comfortable, and settle in. After that, time just goes by so rapidly...and before you know it, its been two months, and you have been sharing every single minute you can with this person. Its remarkable!
We smooshed pretty fast, he was a talker and i was a listener. He started to impact the way i thought, with greater visions of life. He inspired me, and thats what really opened me up to him.
We started going to Globe together, as a great alliance...we fed off the other member's insecurities...making us think we were hot shit. We had them surround us...as we gave them stories of recent parties we attended...and other important social events.
We were so proud of what we thought was fashionable. Garret was def. the leader in my eyes, he would create all sorts of rules and guidelines...he had answers to every question...something that i have always desired. He had the confidence that shined through the others...making you steaming jealous his abilities. After awhile though, the envy kinda slipped away on my part...it was becoming quite a privilege to have someone to do all the work, as he just needed me to stand by him, but i was really giving him just as much as he was giving me.
Soon we were creating inside jokes, laughing at each other's stupidy (but not feeling judgment, because it was already too personal), making those promises about the future with each other.
I gave my world, I built everything in his words...
Dont get me wrong, i did have my independence at times...parties were of a mutual understanding...We would get drunk together for starters...then would separate, and have our own little adventures. In the morning we would share our stories, gossips, and other bits. We had so much fun together! We were on a fashion/social high together. I remember we first tweezed our eye brows together, and we plucked them so thin...and we just thought we were the SHITZ. I turned into a little queen...
Im not really sure what was up with my parents through this time...i lost touch with them...nothing new. But i wonder what they must have thought with all the changes.
I went back to High School...and it only repressed me even more...how could i go back to something after experiencing the thrill of being free. I couldnt...and demanded that i go back into home school. They finally gave in to my misery, and enrolled me at Weston. Me and my ways...if im not happy with something, i have no problem throwing it away....its really a curse.
Sex was in the picture...it was still exciting as ever...so fresh, so addicting. At parties it would be the highlight of my evening. But Garret was different, he really took pride in his virginity. I remember thinking, how does he expect to have a relationship with that attitude. But i admire him now, he held on to that for a long time, and now i just regret half...okay, maybe more then half...of my experiences. And i dont dare keep you up to speed on my sexual agendas. Okay, okay...here is the real deal...i sorta lost track, well not sorta...on purpose...after it got in the 20's...i knew there wasnt any turning back! Not so sweet and fresh now, am i! =) Oh well...what are you gonna do about it...ya know. I was young, and i was def. horny, and my charm took me pretty far along with my cuteness. You gotta love it!

NEW HOPE: GLOBE

2004-02-12T11:04:51Z

Thursday 8:00pm at The Health District in Everett

A young, teenage boy steps out of the car. Trying to prove to his mother that he was in fact, not her baby anymore, he denies her assistance, and walks to the enormous building alone. But truth was he was terrified of the unexpected, but took a deep breath and opened the door.

I climb the stairs, and recognized the pink triangle on the door, instantly knowing that this was it! Outside the window, to what appear to be a small compact room, i could see different types of people with the same case as me. Not making me feel any more at home, i once again took one more deep breath, and courageously walked in. I tried to maintain a smooth appearance on the outside, but inside i was exploding with volcanic eruptions.
Immediately after, the counselor of the group rushed over, attacking me with a warm welcome, a positive handshake, and a safe smile.
I WAS IN HELL! I can remember just wishing i could be straight...that life would be soooo much easier! I was still not fully accepting my sexual orientation, because of this i created a straight mask while i was there.
I took a seat, and quietly observed the circle of misfits.
I watched all the chatty boys, girls, and questionables, as they all introduced themselves to Eric (The Globe Leader). Lets see, there was the teacher's pet named Garret... stuck up and annoying as hell, but fairly cute...of course no one would give him the satisfaction of knowing it. Larry, who was so sweet and innocent to the perfection...little did i know how easily i could be deceived. And the rest never left an impression, although, Globe Leader Eric was everyone's eye candy.
God, time fucking flys...has it really been this long? I can still remember trying to translate everything everybody was saying, and then feeling so nervous with doubt, by the time it was my turn i was filled with anxiety... i could barely finish a sentence. So embarrassed i kept quiet the rest of the night, promising myself i would never return again....but it turned out i went again, and again, and again...until i made friends with the dearest guy in my life and the most destructive...Garret and Larry.

Finally, I made some friends

Im starting to get lazy with my writing, i need to quiet these late night typings...i promise the next one will be better....NIGHT

P.S....Mark, your such a great guy for taking the time to read this, i appreciate it. Cant wait to read yours. I hope you have a good night!

NEW HOPE: The Pheonix

2004-02-10T07:40:12Z

Okay, lets try this again!

I believe that we are living with the same repetition as the mythical creature, the phoenix.
Each day I suffer, and each day i die, but from being truly loyal to myself I rise from the ashes of transformation, and become rejuvenated and alive. Giving me that strength and the power to carry on once more.

Change, constant change...does it ever stand still?
I seek for something unbreakable.

After Stephan was out of my life, that was about the time that my family and i, finally got settled in our new home.
They had to decided to move to the outskirts, which seemed right in between Arlington and Darrington. The house wasnt half bad, considering it was larger then our old one, but it never felt quite like home. My parents never mentioned the old house again, it just brought up to many bad memories, that they didnt want to deal with anymore.
"Forget the past", I dont understand this belief. I think the past helps you deal with your problems, when faced with the present and the future...forgetting it would be the mistake. It is a part of you, which brings just as much value as the rest of your "whole" being.

So my parents thought that changing locations would somehow lift their problems. But it was the same, i couldnt be around them, i could barely look at them. They let me have my way, i even thought they were afraid of me at one point, and i took advantage of it. I was still attending the christian home schooling, when i turned 17. I only had to go once a week, but that only began making me lazier with my homework. My sister started college in the fall at Central in Ellensburg, so the house became much more quieter. She still had no idea what had happened to her family, or known the fact that i was gay. She was left in the dark, because my parents had promised me that they wouldnt tell her anything that i wasnt comfortable with...turns out they did, only because she started to have a tantrum, and my parents couldnt bare having another child resent them.
Finally, the sea was calm after a chaotic storm. The sun wasnt out yet, but the sky started to get clearer.

After everything my mother and i had been through, she still tried to find ways to be naturing (unlike my father, who seemed like he gave up on me).
One day she brought up a gay youth group ad, in the newspaper. It was called "GLOBE" and it was exactly the kind of help i needed.

Im tired, ill finish this story tomorrow...night

The Phoinex: To every new beginning, leads to some other

2004-02-10T00:12:43Z

I heard somewhere that each day we at least die once, and are born again. That we are in fact living with the same replica as the mythical creature, the phoinex.
To every beginning

THE KIDNAPPER: My First Ex

2004-02-09T00:51:23Z

LOVE IS REALLY A CONFUSION: I cant put it into exact words, but i know this to be true.
Through my years of searching for the greatest happiness, there has been times where i felt it in my grasp, and when i finally caught it, i realize that it couldnt be it. It baffles me at the idea of not being able to trust my emotions.

The wishy washy feelings clouded my form of judgment with erupt sensations, that delude all reasons and turned it into one perception...that i was in LOVE with Stephan.
My weekend visits, turned out to be on a regular basis. He became a mentor to my parents and a boyfriend to me. I can see now that my parents werent the only one he was deceiving. I believe he agreed to be my boyfriend not because of mutual feelings, but rather of convenience.He got to be in control of me. He created all the structure and rules in the relationship.
I really thought this is how it was suppose to be in a relationship. Or just perhaps it was everything i was use to at my age... or even the only thing i knew how to do, was either obey or rebel. Who knows...and who really cares in the moment. All i know was he was making me happy in that present time.
He worked at some Hotel, somewhere in Downtown Seattle. He would leave me a key, kiss my lips, and take off to work in the mornings. That would leave me with time to get pretty, and go exploring the city. It didnt really matter if it was sunny, raining, or snowing...i was driven with curiosity for adventure. I was swept away with the glamor of all of it.
At night, Stephan would come home, fuck me, and pop in a movie and cuddle. But after awhile it became dull, and i wanted Seattle. He was lenient at first, giving me a curfew between 9:00 to 10:00pm.

I watched the people passing me by on the streets. I was longing for something, and i figured i could find it in one of them. I would smile, as they rushed on with their lives. Back then, people were expected to read my mind, and it just made no sense to me to why they would be ignoring my reach.
My persistence seems to exceed, and i finally made a friend.
Im still not certain what his story was...but i always thought he was a homeless boy. I think he was either 18 or 19. He was black, about my height and weight, but just a little more porportional then me. He gave me a lot of attention (maybe thats what i was looking for). Again, it didnt matter then, he was fun!

He took me to Lambert house, and my looks made me a big hit there. Swarming with people i would label as street trash, i denied my judgment and accepted the night for what it was.
I had Tam, the boy i met of Broadway, another boy who dressed like a girl and called himself something repulsive, and some boy i could barely remember. But they were my first gay friends!

Stephan, would start to lose his patience when i lost track of time. He would lecture me on the importance of responsibility, and i would just pass it off like him trying to be my parent when he should REALLY be my boyfriend.

One night...my groupies surprised me with a six pack of beer. We walked to Volunteer Park, and chugged them. It turned out to be a hilarious night...until i made it back to Stephan's complex. It was about 1:00am, and he was still up, but with all the lights shut off, like i committed the greatest act of treason. At first he didnt say anything, but from the reflection of the moon's light...i could tell that nothing was calm. To tell you the truth looking back at this, maybe im being more harder on him then i should be. I wasnt exactly the greatest privilege to have. I must had worried him sick, but what did he expect, when he can get away with the same crime.
He started to yell at me, and the alcohol pushed me to scream back. He threatened to call my parents on me, and i blackmailed him, asking him "what would his mother say when she found out he was sleeping with a 16 year old boy"! I really had no idea about the different levels of damage, and said it without any remorse. But now im just left with regret, i just feel like shit every time i look back on that night. Torturing him with my imagination, of him on the cover of "Seattle Times Newspaper", and his mother reading it. Finally, resulting him to sleep on the couch. Thats where it really ended.

When the truth pushes its way out, it shocks.And i find it strange, it seems when people are shocked, they are having a hard time accepting the facts, resulting in a delay response from the exposure of feeling stunned.

And thats how it was for us...after finally saying what we really felt. We continued to still see each other, i guess hoping that it would somehow magically work itself out. Ignoring the plain and simple truth....that seems to slap you in the face until you get it. And it took some time...but we did!

THE KIDNAPPER: My First Boyfriend

2004-02-08T22:36:49Z

There is so much more to life then i can put down into words. I wish i could capture the very essence of each thought and emotion, to help you understand exactly what i went through.

So here i was: A cute blond, blue eyed boy, 16y/o. With a good dental history and a nice toned body that i never really had to work for. I was about 5'9 and 125lb at the time. And on top of that, i could be as sweet as sugar when i wanted too. And thats how i was with Stephan.
We were on our way to Seattle, and i was unusally chatty. I felt like i just got away with murder, i couldnt believe my parents let me go with a stranger. But Stephan was a very smooth talker, he made you feel like everything was understood. In a calm manner, he would control the conversation, passing back and forth, like a game of catch, as though everyone was equals in his world. And by this, trust, that should had been earned was given to him, by me.
I can still remember the way Seattle felt for the first time. So unhibited, so overwhelming with sexual joy, and piercing feelings of unexplained reasons of guilty excitement (As though, as much as it felt right, somehow i knew it was all too wrong). But it was envitable, i was in love with Seattle.
The streets glittered with bright lights, and unlike Arlington, people where out walking on the streets after 10:00pm. Gorgeous men and women romed the stores, dressed nicely, just to shop?
I was puzzled, and very delighted of the new change in my life,thanks to Stephan for introducing me to a life outside of Arlington.
We reached his apartment complex, he just lived three blocks away from the youth group that he so dearly promised my parents that he would take me to.

As i know now...there is a proper way of treating your guest, but back then i knew very seldom.
We entered his apartment, which was decorated with colors of the rainbow, in claborations of vases, picture frames, and refrigarater magnets. Odd to me at the time, i was very infatuated, with the fact of an older man who had the same style, as my girl cousin of 15.
He took me into his bedroom right away...as though i couldnt think for myself on what to do next. It was acward this time, i was very nervous, i felt like i made a huge, terrorable mistake, leaving with a stranger, and his aggressiveness was kind of scaring me. But it was one moment to the next, and before i knew it (didnt have much realizations back then), i was moaning and groaning on the bed.
After i felt at ease, sex was truly becoming better and better. It still hurt like a mother fucker...but the pain somehow mixed with the pleasure makes each moment an overload of semantic memories. Afterwards, your mind would feel clear and at peace, as though a mother who just gave birth to the greatest pleasure of her life.
Things started to shift, i couldnt tell what it was at the time...but it was the feeling of lose.
It began as nothing had happened, like i just met him for the first time. He was very distant even though he was standing in same room as me. His words were short, and his emotions where cold. Naturally, i started to blame myself for his actions. What did i do wrong?
This is where it gets FUCKED UP: He starts with a shower, no questions asked. Brushes his teeth and hair. Begins trying on different outfits, but seemed very discourage with each one, and settles for a business shirt with black pants and shoes.
He kisses me on the forehead, and explains that he was going out to the bars, and that there was food in the fridge. He will return around 2ish, and suggested that i be naked, so we can continue my purpose of being there.
He didnt get home till 3 that night...as i waited laying there, naked for him. I think i followed his orders because i felt wanted, and when i felt wanted i felt right. So...here i was: Laying completely naked, away from home, in a guy's bed, that i had only met twice in person. Meanwhile, he felt the urge to just get up and leave to the bars just after we had had sex, and wanted to make sure he was going to be able to get some more ass when he got home.
We fucked again, and i fell asleep in his arms, invisioning a wonderful life together!

Its funny to reflect on your past and try to figure out exactly what you were thinking! I guess from this experience i truly learned that "as much heart as you have, you ALWAYS NEED your head".

Internet Escapades: THE KIDNAPPER

2004-02-07T20:16:55Z

I am an extreme type of person...if im going to make someone happy, i go the extra mile to please them. If i want something bad enough, i wont stop until i am satisfied. Unfortunately, when i fuck up...I FUCK UP, nothing is petty on my part.
So, I never went back to Lakewood, in the fall. Instead, i enrolled in Family Academy, which was a type of christian home schooling. The kids were really weird, and they wouldnt shut up. But on the bright side, i only had to go once a week. I dont think my parents really liked me having as much free time as i did, and made threats, that once we finally move that i would be going back to a public school.
This was about the time I starting talking to this 37 year old man, online.
His name was Stephan, and he told me what i wanted to hear. I was very much attracted to him, but this was before i knew my worth. He oozed me with seduction, and filled my heart with flutters, each time we talked. Soon, it turned into a phone conversation, and i really felt like someone got me(but there really wasnt much to get, to a desperate 16 year old, anyidiot can see).
So, one night we decided to meet, and i snuck out, at 11:00 pm, leaving the window halfway open, so i could reassure my return. I was floating in the breeze of the night, full of adrenaline. I saw his sleeping car at the end of my dark drive way...hesitint, i leap in, knowing that it would soon be out of my hands.
He was sexy for an older man. Dark hair, nice luscious lips, with a magnetic smile. Blue eyes that you couldnt refuse. He had a calm voice, as though he had done this many times before.
We began to drive around Lakewood, he wanted to look for a private/safe spot that we could just "talk". But of course, there wasnt much of a conversation....(im beginning to see a pattern here). I let him use me in anyway that night. He finally took me back home, and to my surprise wanted to make plans for another visit, and told me to come online to chat with him later that night.
I was smitten for about a week. But soon, things got bad at home again, and i was planning on running away this time. I let Stephan know, and he was shockingly demanding...he asked to speak with my parents!
I had no idea what was going on, i was embarrassed and confused, so i just sat in my room, while the three of them talked on the phone.
I was waiting for my parents to come up stairs and lecture me, but they never came. Soon my curiosity wouldnt rest, so i went searching for answers.
I actually felt a little betrayed by Stephan, but as it seemed he just cared about me, so i couldnt hold it against him...and this time, i think i wanted someone to care (i was a mess).
It turns out that Stephan and my parents had formed an alliance, to help me through the pain. Stephan had somehow convinced my parents that he could take me to a gay youth group in Seattle, called "Lambert House", where i could get the gay support that i needed.
He was scheduled to arrive on the weekend. And if everything turned out okay, i would be leaving with him, and staying at his apartment, on Cap. Hill.
I was excited, but nervous when he finally was knocking at the door.
My parent and him were all sitting around chatting, while i was packing my bags. I just wanted it to end, but they took their sweet ass time. I could hear them all laughing, like they were really hitting it off, i was actually really impressed by Stephan's reactions, to my parents interrogations.
Finally, we were on our way...and it felt like a GREAT NEW CHAPTER, had just started in my life! BUT ONCE AGAIN THE NAIVE BOY WAS WRONG!

The Cure: THE FAMOUS CABINET

2004-02-07T08:40:00Z

Although Sean was no longer in my life, he did leave a big impact. He introduced me to a worry free life! THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF ALCOHOL! During this period, i no longer gave notice to my family, in which prevented me from dwelling on my past. I became wild and alive. I WAS CURED (or so i thought)!
The internet became my ocean of possibilities, and i had a taste for pleasure, without the guilt of over indulging myself.

Summer was almost coming to a end, and i made sure i booked as much excitement as i could! I began to invite some girls from school over, who also had discovered their appetite for the deluded elixir of life.

But i was a boy full of hidden intentions, and came up with a clever little scheme. I also invite a gay guy off the internet to enjoy the festivities, along with us.

Meanwhile, my parents are upstairs watching television, trying to give me my space, since this is a first time, that i actually had friends over (since the dark era). They were really considerate, and really supportive, but they had no idea what i had in store for that night.
The girls came over, one by one...and shortly after the last one entered my house, we cracked open the liquor cabinet. Vodka, Rum, and Gin were my real friends, and that was what i was really waiting for. The girls were fun, but not satisfying enough, i wanted Kyle.

Kyle....there wasnt really much i knew about him. He was 21, going to Cornish, majoring in Acting. Cute, Tan, and Muscular. He seemed like a fun enough guy, and his acting that night was pretty outstanding, since he did have to convince the girls he was straight.

We all sat in the hot tub, drinking, stumbling, and slurrying our words. My plan was a success, and i ended up getting everything i wanted that night, including Kyle.
The end summer continued exactly like this, A huge blur to cover up the truth...the cabinet continued to hold my medicine, without the attentiveness of anyone else. And for awhile, i escaped the pain.